Unlocking Self-Worth: The Road to Genuine Self-Acceptance
- kathleenejenkins
- Jun 4, 2024
- 5 min read
"And then he said, 'I gave you three weeks, and this is what you came up with?'" Jane looked away at the blank wall, her face controlled to keep from shedding tears. This wasn't the first time her hard-to-please boss had been unhappy with her work, and it wouldn't be the last. It’s been two weeks since she heard those words, and she hasn't been able to find her way out of their grasp. Crying spells, anxiety—it's been hard for Jane to even get out of bed in the morning. This is about more than just her boss's criticism. It's the latest straw on a mountain of criticisms that she has now internalized. On top of this mountain sits the inner judge who smashes down her gavel proclaiming the verdict: "Unworthy!" Jane has practiced self-rejection for years, yet the verdict does not sting any less. The pain of self-rejection never goes away.
The struggle for self-acceptance
Have you ever locked eyes with yourself in the mirror? Not to add something to your appearance, judge your outfit, or critique your body, but to really just look at YOU. Have you ever looked into your eyes deeply, observing and acknowledging the essence of your being? If you haven't done this before (or even if you have), try it now.
What do you see?
How do you feel?
For many people, locking eyes with themselves can be an extremely uncomfortable experience. This discomfort highlights the lengths we go to avoid ourselves in response to the loaded emotional reality that comes from our lack of self-acceptance. Many of us carry a chronic rejection of ourselves, ready to make a case on the spot as to why we're not worthy in some way. This self-rejection can be felt viscerally and can be so uncomfortable that we will take extreme measures to avoid this reality. However, our avoidance does not bypass the feelings of fear, shame, discontentment, and depression that stem from our lack of self-acceptance.
We often try to earn our acceptance through achievement, external validation, or meeting a list of standards that we have for ourselves. Sometimes we are able to obtain relief through a fleeting sense of accomplishment or worth; but it is always short-lived and leaves us unsatisfied.
What is self-acceptance?
Self-acceptance means to see and embrace all of you, including your perceived strengths and weaknesses. Whereas self-rejection involves a negative evaluation of self due to perceived flaws, self-acceptance is based on a positive regard for self in spite of one's shortcomings. Self-rejection is often used as a way of coping with the anticipated rejection of others by rejecting oneself first. Self-acceptance, on the other hand, takes place irrespective of others’ thoughts, opinions, and evaluations of oneself.
Self-acceptance is an internal phenomenon that impacts every area of our lives. Being able to accept yourself benefits your mental state, relational health, mood, coping, distress tolerance, and more. Studies show that people who accept themselves are less vulnerable to criticism, more confident, and display less anxiety. How we feel about ourselves matters. It impacts not only how we feel but how we relate to others and to the world around us.
A common struggle
So why is accepting ourselves so hard? Our relationships with ourselves suffer from early on. Unfortunately, most of us have experiences with a lack of love, acceptance, attention, or affection from others as children. At this age, it is hard for us to understand or see outside of ourselves. We attribute our painful and disappointing experiences to ourselves and learn to replicate the rejection, whether big or small, internally.
This is a broad way to explain how trauma affects our identity and relationship with ourselves. This journey of self-rejection is so common, shapeshifting from each context and demographic. However, a significant part of our journey from self-rejection is in recognizing its widespread nature. If you struggle with self-acceptance, you are experiencing something that most humans experience during our time on this Earth.
Accepting the truth
Your struggle with self-acceptance isn't because you are unworthy of acceptance. Rather, it's because you haven't yet learned to see your worth. This distinction is crucial. Believing you are unworthy of acceptance embraces a false truth, leaving no room for growth or discovery. However, recognizing that you reject yourself simply because you haven't learned how to accept yourself creates space for the truth: you are worthy of acceptance, even if you don't currently see how. This realization is the starting point for your journey toward self-acceptance.
"I accept myself in spite of my flaws." Notice what comes up as you read that statement. Don’t judge what you’re feeling. Allow yourself to feel it. Now read it again. Say it out loud.
Many will notice that their feelings don’t match the statement. You may notice resistance or discomfort. You may even notice some internal dialogue that comes up. This is normal. You don’t need to “feel” that you accept yourself in order to begin your journey towards self-acceptance.
Practical steps towards self-acceptance
If you’re wanting to embark on the journey of self-acceptance, you need to first accept the fact that it’s a journey. That means it will take time. You will experience discomfort and unpleasant feelings as well as some pleasurable ones. But having unrealistic expectations will only lead you back into the self-rejection spiral. You must go at your own pace.
The next step is developing self-awareness. Where did you learn that you weren’t worthy of acceptance? For many people, looking at family environments and childhood experiences is a good place to start. How does your lack of self-acceptance show up in your life? Here are some common manifestations of a lack of self-acceptance:
Sensitivity of criticism
Negative or harsh self-talk
Negative outlook on life
Trouble taking accountability for actions
Desire to be someone else
Low self-confidence
Lack of boundaries in relationships
Anxiety (especially performance-based) & depression
The next step is implementing changes. Notice which contexts your self-rejection is likely to rear its head (e.g., at work with your boss, at home with your spouse, on the phone with your mom, at bedtime with your kids) and look at practical steps you can take to intentionally apply self-compassionate practices surrounding these contexts. I recommend working on this with a licensed professional who can help you identify and develop strategies for your particular lifestyle and temperament.
Conclusion
Freedom comes from embracing this struggle as a normal part of the human journey. You are not doing something wrong by not having a picture-perfect relationship with yourself. If self-acceptance and healthy self-love were not modeled for you, you are most likely starting from scratch. Give yourself grace and accept that this will be a journey back towards yourself. Know that this journey is worthwhile. You have the rest of your life to live with yourself, so you might as well get cozy and give yourself a chance to be accepted by the person who matters most: you.
Resources:
https://www.betterup.com/blog/self-acceptance#:~:text=Self%2Dacceptance%20can%20help%20you%20have%20self%2Dcompassion%20even%20when,to%20feel%20good%20about%20yourself.
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